Why am I single?
Being single in your forties is hard work. I was twenty when I got married and at the time it never crossed my mind that I would be single. I accepted that one day I might be a widow, as men don’t live as long. Being relatively young still and facing life alone was not a part of my agenda. However, in my mid thirties my husband decided that the ‘forsaking all others’ part of our vows was an opt out choice and left me for another woman, who ironically wouldn’t leave her partner at the time. It broke me and I found myself grieving for not only the end of my marriage but for the life I had expected to be living.
Looking back I think it was actually one of the best things that could have happened to me. I am a lot happier than I can ever remember being. I have done things I would have never done before. Travel has always been high on my bucket list and I’ve been able to do this. I’ve bought a holiday home and gone to music festivals. My friendships are stronger and I actually have a career because I’ve needed to build one. None of this would have happened if we had stayed together. The life I’ve built for myself and my daughter is one I really do love.
I am single now because I refuse to compromise. I have chosen to be alone rather than to settle for less than what God has planned for me. I am single because being alone is better than being in a relationship that leaves me doubting myself and feeling less than I should be. I am single because I believe I deserve to be loved and to love unconditionally. I am waiting for this. It is going to take quite a man to change this!
The reality of being single in your forties
Being single in your forties is great in so many ways. I can binge watch Netflix to my hearts content. I have enjoyed quite a few series I wouldn’t have been able to watch before. Saturdays are not preoccupied by sports and the toilet seat stays down. I can go on holiday where I want to and not have to worry about what I do when I am there. I can sit and read all day long if I really want to. I can fidget and wriggle as much as I want to in bed, and it doesn’t matter if I take the whole bed and all of the quilt.
But for every positive there are also negative sides. I have to put the bins out (and remember what bin it is that week). I have to do all the DIY and car maintenance. Single parenting is hard work, especially through the evil teenage years. And it’s lonely. There isn’t somebody there to comfort me at the end of a bad day. I don’t have somebody to share my hopes with, to get excited with me, to hold me whilst I cry and to just be there.
As a Christian, there is also a definite stigma attached to being single as well, especially a divorced single woman. Thankfully I go to a church that supported me through my husband’s infidelity but I have seen the look of judgement from newer members of the church. But given that the church is predominantly female, and all the men my age are married, I guess they need to accept that when you get to this age and don’t have a man in your life it is unlikely to change unless you look for one outside the church.
Do I intend to stay single?
As an extrovert I genuinely don’t think I am meant to be alone. I think that God knows this about me. When I was younger I often said I would either end up as a spinster and thankfully not know any different, or marry young. I wasn’t wrong, as I definitely married young but I have no regrets about it.
I am now facing the prospect of being truly alone for the first time ever as my daughter prepares to leave home for university. It scares me. I’ve made no secret of the fact that I am ready for a new husband now, and it does need to be a husband. I want all the aspects that go with a relationship, and my deep faith means that marriage is a non-negotiable part of being in a serious one.
I fully intend to end being single in my forties soon. I know I am ready to move on because for the first time since I was a teenager I’ve had an actual crush. I’ve been admiring a man I know through work for a while. He isn’t a Christian so I don’t intend to pursue this but it is nice to know that I am capable of feeling like this again, and it confirms a relationship now would not be a rebound or come with issues from my marriage.
What does the bible say about being single?
I like that the Bible has a surprisingly positive approach to being single. It recognises that it isn’t the right path for everybody but it does encourage people to remain single in order to focus on their relationship with God. Paul is especially vocal about this, and chose to remain single himself. It is referred to as a gift from God, rather than a lower social status. However, having been married once, and having enjoyed all the normal aspects of a marriage I know that I fall in the category of people who this verse is true for:
‘it is better to marry than to burn with passion’ (1Cor 7:9)
